Imagine an orange. Now imagine a horse stabled in there. Not a minature weeble-woble horse, but a real, raven haired braying unbroken mare, regal, capricious and dumb as dirt.
That orange is like anything else that you can put in your hand. The horse not so much, but the horse WANTS to be in the orange and you struggle to get the horse in there.
So there it is... you have managed to stable the horse in the orange. You have managed to bend both time and space to stable a horse in an orange. Good for you.
Now the horse is hungry.
That is what my residency is like: a braying mare in my head that NOW needs hay.
"Can You be the Light I need to-...soul search?" I am at the end of myself. I have nothing left. So broken. -©DEnd of Myself.
-SJP
Honest to God" 'Cause honest to God I....."So what happens when you're angry at God? And you piled so many other emotions and layers of stuff so you would refuse to acknowledge it? You have been dishonest about it to Him and others, totally falsifying your relationship with Him. So God takes you through so many experiences, just so you can realize that you've been that angry at Him all these years so you can talk to Him about it. What do you do now? Do you have to forgive God? Even after you have said the "I'm sorry's", what do you do now? You know you don't want to feel this way, and you definately know you love Him. But where do you go from here? The image of God you had all this time was a false one. Did you ever know God? Did you ever know who He really is? What He is really capable of doing? How He can really work in your life? How faithful He really is? Did you ever know Him, knowing all that you did to keep your self away? To evade the truth you did not want to admit to Him? Did you ever know God? Did I ever know God? -©D |
Consecration NotesThese are some notes that I wrote for my sorority sisters when we fasted and consecrated to God this Wednesday (Yeah since we are a Christian sorority, we do stuff like that). I just wanted to share this with you all.I pray this blesses your heart. --- Greetings Ladies, I was asked by our Director of Ministries to expound on today's consecration theme "selfishness". I pray this helps you as you all focus on the King of Glory today. Walk with the King today & be a blessing. :) --- Selfishness vs Surrender Selfishness says: "God, I am going to this my way, at my time, how ever I want to. It doesn't matter how messed up my life is at this point, or how much better my life would be if I obey you. God I just don't understand it, and I don't like it, so I am not doing it. So there God!" And we run to our own devices, trying to figure out our own lives, because for some strange reason our finite minds seem to believe that our ideology is actually better than Gods. We probe and prod our issues with our own fixed inventions--inevitably, we realize that it does not work! But because of our rebellious selfish nature, we continue anyway. Hoping that one day that our ineffective method will actually work, but sisters that is actually the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over in order to expect different results. I have been here for several months ladies. For the past six months God was telling me to get on the floor and pray. Just lay there and talk to Him. "How absurd", I thought. "You God, are Omniscient, Omnipotent, and Omnipresent. What is the difference between the bed and the floor? You can meet me right here in my warm, comfortable bed." So I resisted, for six months although I needed Him desperately. My health was failing, my finances were failing, people around me were failing, life was just one big epic fail. However, I believed that miraculously my defunct method would actually work and that one day my fifteen second prayer on my comfortable bed would actually produce a life changing experience with God. Yeah right. So, it took six months of life threatening, catestrophic events in my life to say..."Hmmm. Maybe I will lay on the floor tonight and pray." I spoke with the DOM prior to my decision to obey (finally), and she said she wanted me to expound on the theme of selfishness. It hit right home, and gave me confirmation. How selfish (and rebellious) I was for six months toward God, for the simplest request. I cared about my physical comfort at night, I liked being lazy, and I liked laying on my soft bed. Never mind that it would increase my relationship with God. My flesh was being satisfied. That is what mattered. Tonight, I laid out on the floor. Despite the excuses about the floor, the clutter on it, how late it was, etc. I doubted that God would even meet me on my clothing and paper cluttered carpet. I figured that life isn't getting any better, so might as well give it a try. I turned off the lights, laid on the ground. I felt kind of silly doing it, and I could hear doubt and fear mocking my gesture, saying nothing will happen. Immediately, the presence of God met me on the floor and I began to cry softly as I sang a part of Third Day's song (Christian Rock Group) 'God of Wonders'. I could not think of anything else about how good He was, and how He is just absolutely worthy of the praise. "Wow Jesus, you really met me here", I thought, surprised. I was so ashamed that I fought so long with God over something so stupid. If I had obey and surrendered to His will sooner, I am positive that the struggles I am currently going through would not be as burdensome. Surrender says: "God, I am going to do this Your way, anytime You want me to, however You want me to. It doesn't matter if it makes sense or not God. I believe in You and Your sovereignty. I realize by obeying You my life will be enhanced, although I do not understand I trust You and I will do it. Have Your way God." Remember, sometimes God asks us to do the most simple, ordinary, and maybe even obscure things like speaking to the random person on the train, or hugging a coworker, or writing a thank you note to a friend. It may not make the most sense to you, but obey. He thinks good thoughts toward you, its better than sacrifice, and it preserves you from additional struggles that come by rebelling. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) God thinks good thoughts about us sisters, and the things He requires us to do is only to strengthen our characters, bring us closer to Him, and open the gateway for increase in blessings. Never mind it may be hard or unorthodox. Obeying is only helping us in the long run. "Samuel said, Has the Lord as great a delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams." 1 Samuel 15:22 (Amplified) Although I was still praying, I wasn't doing it the way God asked me to. He's not as interested in the works or the "burnt offerings and sacrifices" as much as He is in your absolute surrender. To obey Him (or hearken) is better then wealth (fat of rams or a heard of cows) itself. "And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes." Luke 12:47 (KJV) Lastly, I need to issue you all a warning. We are servants of the King, are expected to obey. When we do not prepare to obey, or decide not to obey flat out, we are opening ourselves for punishment from God. That does not necessarily mean that God is going to allow massive disarray into your life. For example, in my life, the stress and the doubt that I have experienced in my life could have been lessened or completely eradicated if I had obeyed. By not obeying and being rebellious, God could not act on my behalf (the actual punishment), and it made it easier for the enemy to attack me the way he did. Make sure you close every opening through obedience in effort to over come the enemy's devices for your life. We must make sure he is defeated at all times. Praise God for deliverance! This is what God wanted me to say to you all. I pray that it blessed and encouraged you. [Insert Real Name Here] Public Relations Manager Alpha Nu Omega Sorority, Incorporated. Empire State Region Alumni DS DaySpring - #1ESRSU07 - Jewel -©D |
I'm up in Vermont right now, at my Bennington residency.
I've been a grad student for a whole three days and it already feels like forever.
For whatever administrative reasons, I was workshopped first. Besides the actual nerve-wracking experience of never being here before and not knowing how they do it here, it went okay and I'm really appreciative of how supportive and wonderful people have been.
In other news... my mother gave me a pep talk before I started. This woman is not known for her pep talks, other than the cursory expression of her expectations (realistic or otherwise). She actually gave me the: Don't let them make you feel like you don't belong there. You belong there. Don't back down on who you are, because you are extraordinary. I need you to know that you are extraordinary.
Parents actually say such things it turns out.
Maybe she watched too much Grey's Anatomy last season. But hearing her say that quite literally for the first time in my life moved me. I believed emotional support to be the stuff of urban myth, but then thought back to all the friends and loved ones who carried me this far and maybe it's a myth that I can believe in.
I know I have to stop doing these. For whatever reason, I don't have the zeal to write, and maybe I feel that if I open up more and more blog sites (which I have done) it would inspire me to write, to reach out the the community, to spill my feelings out unto the weblog. But lately, I have had as much inspiration as much as a pig has perspiration. Forreal.
Nada, zero, zilch.
Here are the dabblings that I dribbled on xanga for the past month or so. I hope they are enjoyable.
Love you all.
PS Tee is the only one who responds to me on this thing anyway. That sucks major, and is probably the reason why I don't come here as often.
---
Finally.I changed my layout entirely. Take a look, let me know what you think.It reflects where I am right now, and what I truly desire. I need a visitation from the true DaySpring, I need a refreshing from the Father. I need to be revived. Sometimes, I feel dead inside. Other times, I feel weak, fake, broken. I...have come to the severe realization that I really can't do this on my own, not even if I tried with all my might. Which of course, I am actually doing. The world about me is crashing. It seems like the foundation that I built wasn't soild...Rock, that is. I am slowly learning some of the things God has been trying to get me to learn for the past maybe 10 years. Man, I'm hard headed. Side Bar: Being tested for cancer isn't a walk in the park. I have been in PAIN for the past two days. These doctors I tell you. They must find my collection of physical inadequacies so amusing. IBS decided to join hands with the pain from the test and terrorize me. Other than church, I have confined myself to my bed. Every time I eat it hurts. A whole freaking lot. The doctors told me that I should get LAP Band surgery, ME of all people. Wrote a referral, signed it and handed it to me. Just like that. Telling me the OTHER condition I have, I won't ever stop gaining weight. That if I ate nothing at all, I would STILL gain weight. They also said try Weight Watchers. Ha. All this and I lose my job! Yeah. I know. I just got it. They could not afford to pay us (or get rid of the rats, turn on the hot water, etc), so they cut two thirds of the staff, me included. On top of that, Unemployment says I have ONE week left of this stuff. It's a wrap. So I am stressed to beans. I need some sort of intervention quick fast in a hurry, or I am going to be in a lot of trouble. I need money. I need health insurance. I need my health. Yeah. Help. After I have worked so hard to try to do this all on my own, I realize I cannot. I can't do anything to help this situation, except trust God and pray. I know He's God, and He didn't bring me this far to leave me. He's said too much to me about myself and my future to bail out and leave me now. It's all a matter of time. Finally. -©D | |
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Drawing Board:Early SketchesSo here I am again.I was going to write a blog agonizing about how Monday hurt, Tuesday and especially Wednesday hurt. Thursday hurt too, but not so bad. I think Wednesday hurt the most. But, I dunno. It may not help me or my situation as much as it would provide a crutch for my issues. I can say this. My boyfriend (read:future husband) has proved excellent during this time of despair. He has done all he can to help me through this mayhem. Even take me golfing. Yeah, golfing. It was really fun. But the best of all is when he held me and prayed when I was crying too much to even open up my mouth and pray for myself. Awesome. I serve an awesome God. I am falling asleep. NyQull is kicking in and I can barely type. Nite. -©D | |||
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I Need Another JobI realize everyone's life path is different for a reason.I just haven't realized why I have mine. I think I deserve something better. I have been awarded nothing but stress in the past six months. My job has a rat infestation and hasn't done much about it. Although I haven't seen a rat physically, I have heard plenty about it. I swear if I see one I am going home and not coming back. And that isn't the half of what is going on in that zoo. I think I need a new job. Coming home every night after 8 for a measly pay check is definately not the will of God. Ugh. -©D | |
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Be Still 2"Be still and know that He is GodBe still and know that He is holy Be still, O restless soul of mine Bow before the Prince of peace Let the noise and clamor cease Be still Be still and know that He is God Be still and know that He is faithful Consider all that he has done Stand in awe and be amazed And know that He will never change Be still Be still and know that he is God Be still and know he is our Father Come rest your head upon his breast Listen to the rhythm of his unfailing heart of love Beating for His little ones Calling each of us to come Be still..." - Steven Curtis Chapman Despite how I feel about myself God, you have called me to things greater. Despite the diseases that are trying to attack my body. Despite the words that has been hurled at me. Despite the character flaws. Despite the evil spoken against me, by those who know You. Despite the attacks on my reputation. I am going to hold still. Be still and know who you are. You are God. -©D | |||
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Be Still"You are God aloneFrom before time began You were on Your throne Your are God alone And right now In the good times and bad You are on Your throne You are God alone" - Phillips, Craig, & Dean In times when people are not on your side, and not on my side particularly, and validation is not coming to me the way I want it to...I look to the true validator--God. He's God alone. He is the vindicator. The Person who has the last say. In the end. This is Who He is. God alone. And I am going to rest in that. |
Have you ever been down? Wondering to yourself: Why do I continue to pursue my writing/acting/computer programming, etc?
... because you know what? Your work, no matter how hard you tried, could suck as much as these query letters. Bet.
http://queryletters.blogspot.com
I'm not necessarily a bad person, but I wish I had a tenth of the self confidence these folks have.
I've been gone for a minute, but I'm back for the jump off -- Lil Kim
I have turned my life over to the one burning thing. If you've read my blog over the course of the last couple of years, you would know that something inside me woke up one day. Or maybe it was that I discovered that I was vaguely unhappy and I remembered that I was writing while I was happy and by association, that the writing is the source of that happiness. Or maybe happiness happens while you're not looking.
This entry is not about happiness in the least.
January 1, 2007, I announced to the world that I planned on writing again and doing those things that make writing a career and not some quiet hobby. I submitted an application to Breadloaf that winter, was accepted in May, attended in August, was asked why I hadn't thought of a MFA program... Applied the Palm Beach Poetry Festival in October. Got in. Attended in January 2008. Applied for a low-residency spot at Bennington, got into Bennington. Applied at that same time to the summer coursework at Iowa Writer's Workshop. Got in. Applied to Sewanee. Got in. Had a couple of poems picked up for publication along the way.
Pursuing that ONE. BURNING. THING. works.
I'm still shell-shocked wondering to myself why all these supportive people guide me toward my heart's desire. Or why when I have nothing in my heart but my sheer, blinding terror of change, I move forward anyway.
What I'm saying is that what I learned the last year is NOT that I'm better or worse than I was in my twenties. I'm getting rejected too, and anyone writing will tell you that a literary career is bloodsport. What I am doing differently this time is looking at the work that was rejected and asking better questions of it: Did I send this to the wrong agent/publication/genre? I, to whom writing used to come as easily as breathing, am spending hours on the integrity of a line, on whether a comma belongs here or there. I am going without sleep sometimes because a story is demanding my attention.
In short: I am for the first time respecting the attention that this work demands. I have stopped dreaming and doing. While I've yet to make more than $100 at the enterprise, I'm knocking on a different, better set of doors.
I have all of you who have encouraged me to thank. And while we're going through our slush piles with the crappy 'this isn't a fit' rejection letters.... remember how lucky we are just to be in the game.
Who's ReportAccording to natural eyes, my body lies in a state of massive deterioration. Natural medication cannot cure it. Natural circumstances says I cannot bear it. That I may be this way forever, and ever, and ever.And ever. And my heart broke when I heard it. The pen hit the paper attached to the folder in my medical file, recording--no reporting that its all over. That my body isn't the way it ought to be. At my age. At all. They are going to run tests they say, try to see what they could possibly do. Do to fix things. Do to fix it, although they know that its unnatural to fix what's irreversible--naturally. Tears ran down my face as my head rested on Joe's hands on the kitchen table last night. He grieved with me after receiving the traumatic news. We'll trust God, he said, positively. Who's report do we believe, naturally? No, supernaturally. Cherece and Colletta (God, I love them) would not let me hear it that way. They were super-imposing upon that natural report--believing supernaturally in SomeOne Else's assesment of my phyiscality. SomeOne Else's inscription on my medical record. SomeOne Else who bore stripes for my healing. My restoration, my redemption. Whose report do you believe La Donna? Whose? I know Who to believe. Who I should believe. Sometimes old-school theology causes me to believe I deserve these results, deserve this report, deserve it because it was served to me as a means of judgement for my ill behavior, that I deserve--naturally. Supernaturally, the power of God ignores these things (these sins, these grave mistakes, these crimes against my body) because of the word forgiveness. It supernaturally washes away these marks against my character, and makes me anew. Brand new. I can't lie and say my heart isn't heavy. It weighs as much as I do, right now--naturally. Super:
So God's power is an extreme of the the natural, naturally speaking of course. And I need that extreme, massive, power in my life to overtake this natural report and unnatural circumstances and change them, supernaturally. Who's report, huh? His, of course. Super! Naturally. *sigh* -©D | |
Unoticed VindicationJesus, its Resurrection Sunday. Thank You for Your gift of Life, that was shed for the remission of all my sins. Praise You Jesus. Jesus, touch my brain. I have been saying this prayer all last week. One thing I do hate is when other people uninvolved in a situation comment as if they know all the details. Despite things that have been exposed, there are more to situations than meets the eye. I realize the enemy could easily be tapping on my mind because God did a great thing recently. Letting it all go, despite the undiscussed issues, is easier and maybe even healthier--for me. I have to realize more and more everyday that God is my vindicator. He will keep my name clean and my mind in perfect peace as I am stayed on Him. After this ordeal, I believe I am going to dive into a seclusion of sorts. It keeps me from being involved so closely. I have my own wounds that need healing, and I am going to allow that to happen. Although I was ministering, I felt weak and unsure of myself. It seemed as if I am contineously pouring into people, but no one is reaching out to pour into me. So I must retreat into my own recluse (although I remember preaching against recluse last semester) and mend myself. I have so many personal issues that I have to keep to myself, simply because I realize that the majority of people around me cannot help me. I would simply be waisting my breath. Sometimes I wish that people could just discern some of the issues I have and speak to them. I hate to be that person that always has to expose myself so I can get some help. God always telling me somebody else business, like I want to know. Always got me laying hand on or praying with someone so they can recieve their breakthrough. It was one of the reasons I ran from my call in the first place. I understand that I have recieved many a prophecy and a "laying out" at an altar call but sometimes I just want some intimate ministry that I didn't even have to ask for. Like pray for me too, please. Where am I going with this? I dunno. I might be venting or bleeding on yall. Forgive me. Jesus, sorry for making this about me again. Help me to realize that I will not go unnoticed and it is an honor to serve You in the capacity that I do. *sigh* I love you all. -©D | |
Touch through MeDealing with the anger and malice and frustration in my heart, I really didn't know what to do. Speaking to my sister on how to deal with it, God brought this song to my heart. Out of no where. The last time I even remember listening to this song, I was practicing it to sing as a solo in church. I don't remember if I did, however. I hope the words penetrate my heart as it does yours."Touch through me, Holy Spirit, touch through me, Let my hands reach out to others, touch through me; There's a lonely soul somewhere needing just one friend to care, Touch through me, Holy Spirit, touch through me. Love through me, Holy Spirit, love through me, I will be my brother's keeper, love through me; Hearts are bleeding deep inside, love can dry the weeping eye, Love through me, Holy Spirit, love through me. Flow through me, Holy Spirit, flow through me, Like a river in the desert, flow through me; Springing power and healing strength, living water pure and clean, Flow through me, Holy Spirit, flow through me. My hands will be your hands reaching out to others, My lips will not be slothful, Lord, to speak; I will be that good Samaritan to someone else in need, I will be your house to dwell in, live through me. Flow through me, Holy Spirit, flow through me, Holy Spirit, touch through me, Holy Spirit, touch through me." - Barbara Tubbs -©D | |
Sisters From The Heart (pt 2)"You're my sister--ER from the heart--"I keep hearing the coarse harmony in my head as I picture various "sisters" singing this song. "We're not divided we are united, we're together as One--" "We are sisters--ERS from the hea-r-t--" In this body, the body of Christ that is, many people adorn either this righteous indignation, which they label and bash every other Believer that passes by. Then they have the undeveloped, abrased, or hurt people who operate through simple thinking and judge situations through tainted lenses, and do all sorts of things to hurt others. Then they are people who are sitting on the fence, living like the devil yet proclaiming Jesus is Lord. Everyone seems to be doing something else other than serving God. Following an agenda that is self serving, and problem causing, creating strife in the body. Women especially. Women divide, disunite, multiply, backbite, teardown, instigate, and perpetuate, and YES all of those things are coming from the heart. Their hearts! Women (read:sisters) need to descend from their selfish ways, me included, and stop using situations as a means to satisfy and gratify self. It doesn't glorify God. Two people are bickering, and one tries to help by speaking to the other. The ousider is not welcomed, but put on display--why because the people bickering have found a window to gratify self by crucifying the innocent bystander. Take attention off of addressing the real issue for a moment, while we devour our unsuspecting friend over here for kicks. I, for one am not a fan of friendly fire. I will not allow that sort of thing to occur, and furthermore I will not be privy to be that innocent bystander who gets chewed out for caring. People get so caught up in their situations, or using situations as a means to fuel their personaliy and character flaws (read:gossip, manipulation, backbiting) they don't realize in their rampage they destroy someone else along the way. I realize I can't evade certain situations because God wants to use me to append some issues and heal some hurt, but I won't embrace them either. When you have a sister, its not only from the heart--but the flesh also. If we are connected through the flesh and it is ripped, I will hurt also. As one sister once told me, we don't get to chose our family but we have to love them anyway. And I will, despite themselves. -©D |
Suzanne Vega now has a blog on the New York Times
http://measureformeasure.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/03/31/profane-and-divine/
Personally, I'm waiting for her to answer the: do you come up with lyrics or melody first question.
I measured my waist. It measured 47 inches. According to the size chart I should be a size 22 or a 26 or some really huge size number of clothing. That's seems so crazy to me because that size of clothing would swallow me whole. I could fit two or three of me in a size 20 pants let alone 26. However, when I look in the mirror, I see my waist is so disproportioned to the rest of my body. It's like I have a permanent spare tire or hoola hoop attached to me. For me to fit a size 14, respectfully I need to lose 12 inches. Its doable, not the hardest thing in the world.
I have a feasible goal now, not just to fit in a size 14 again, but the actual measurement now. I have really been lazy since my Soror has been sick and unavailable to work out with me. Slacking on my eating habits and everything. The little weight that I lost, I probably gained it all back eating as badly as I have been. Not necessarily over indulging in fried food, but I have had a lot of bread lately. White bread, grits, etc. Eating late with Joe again. Eating ice cream. I did this in good faith that my soror was going to whip me into shape each week. Nope, she was sick ( :( ), and has been unable to help me. So much for motivation and moderation.
Well, there is an upside. I have a job, and its in Brooklyn so I actually have to commute. Part of my commute to work consists of a LONG walk up Franklin Avenue. It's at least 10 - 15 minutes long depending on the speed and weather of my walking. There is also three LONG flights of stairs that I would have to climb to get to my office each day after entering the building. I was sweating the first time I did it. This will definately help.
I realize that a horse can be lead to water but, it can't be forced to drink. I am the horse that sips a little and then runs back into the same old routine. I remember when I was so focused on losing weight. I stuck to every fad diet and lost massive amounts of weight in weeks. I think its the boyfriend that keeps me from being so focused. Not that he tells me not to work out or anything, but the fact that he actually accepts me. It's like what does he care, he thinks I'm fabulous. Meanwhile, I'm being a bad steward, mistreating the temple of God, eating waaaay more than I have ever eaten and waaay later than I have ever eaten and become more larger than I have ever been. Not to say the fad and crash diets were any better, but it doesn't help either.
The other thing is my sleeping habits. They're horrible. Look, its 3:27 in the morning, and I am sitting here typing! What do YOU think I should be doing?! Exactly. My butt should be laid out. Not writing this blog. This job will also help re-adjust my sleep habits, because I have to be up at the crack of dawn so I can be to work on time. Lord help me! So when I sleep this late, I get up in the middle of the day, and don't eat anything until 4,5,6,7,8 o'clock when my acid reflux is burning profusely and eating a large, gaping hole in my stomach. I only would eat twice a day, and it would be both large meals. My second meal would be anywhere from 10 pm to 12 am. And no, I didn't eat any breakfast. Recipe for disaster, and a lot of weight gain.
Now that I have
motivation to live again (ha), I won't be laying around like a vagabond
anymore and sleeping reckless hours and treating my body recklessly. I
hope. I know the first few weeks will be rough in readjustment,
but I can do this. I can do this.
I only have to lose ten inches or ten pounds or ten something. However you look at it, I have to lose weight. And I believe I can. I just have to call things like I see it and fix the situation around me. I can't cry and complain, and wonder why I am not built like my size four sister who never had a weight problem in her life or like any of my female cousins who all are pretty small in comparison. The Word of God speaks about comparing yourself to others, and according to It, it's not very wise.
Lately, I haven't been gaining any weight, or losing any for that matter. I had a small victory when I saw my size 16 jeans fit me properly, but I think maybe I fooled myself. Even if I did keep this weight off, seeing my waist measurement killed every other notion that I truly progressed. *sigh* I digress.
So its back to the old drawing board, I suppose. I still think I am going to make that goal of 10- 20 pounds by June, even before then.
PS I have to stop eating emotionally. Blah.
God bless you all!
-©D