O lord! Since I became married my time is wasted on nothing. Except this week. This week is Christmas week and I plan on making so many mor moves before the day comes.
1- Get more pink decorations for the tree
2- more christmas shopping for the kids
3-food shopping (bcuz im about to play chef)
4- Make COQUITO (the kind with lotsssssssssss of rum)
and 5- Enjoy myself!!!
What were you afraid of as a child that seems silly to you now?
Submitted by navelgazer.
I will go with heights. It took me years that my fear wasn't of being on rooftops and ladders. It was of falling off of rooftops and ladders and that, since I have probably been on a ladder all of twice in my lifetime and a ladder hardly ever unless there is a lightbulb that needs changing, my fear will probably never be realized.
So I have been planning my wedding and one very small detail was brought to my attention. Who will dance with me for the father daughter dance?
*sigh*
My father has been non existant for almost as long as I have been alive. He never really cared I guess. Though I am told a story of my grandmother scaring the wits out of him. I don't really believe it. She was too small to scare anyone but her children and grandchildren. Plus she was loving towards everyone. Now had I been told that my grandfather did that I would believe it. LOL! Though he was the greatest man that ever lived he had a mean streak like nobodies business!!!
Growing up it has always been my grandfather who I thought would be walking me down the aisle and dancing with me. Sadly, my Pabuelo passed away five years ago. So that left either my cousin or my uncle. Both of whom are now institutionalized. Yes I have great luck! How I miss my Pabuelo!
So now I am left with no one. My brother and mother are both in florida and won't be able to make it. Perhaps my aunt will stand in. But it is not the same.
*sigh*
Even as I type this I begin to cry over this misfortune. I will be the only bride I know with no father figure to dance with. No one to give her away.
I wish there were someone who knew what pain this is causing me... I must be the only girl I know without a father figure, older cousin or brother... or just anyone who will be their Pabuelo... erm... father figure.
What makes it worst is that it is only days before Thanksgiving and a month before Christmas and the wedding is making even more clear to me that my family (or lack there of) has truely become non existant. I do not mean my children and Richie.. but my grandparents, aunts, cousins and my mother and brother. They have all left me in a sense. The holidays used to be filled with so much joy and laughter and now all I can think of is how empty it really is.
*sigh*
My eyes burn. Not from lack of sleep but from lack of restful sleep. My mind is so flustered these days. Between the holidays, the wedding and the move I think I might be on the brink of a nervous break down. Everyday I pack up at least two boxes of our belongings. Then I glue or price check things for the wedding. Then comes the ever so joyful christmas shopping. I love christmas... I hate the crowds at malls. ARGH! The move is on the 25th (5 days away) and the wedding is the week after. IM STRESSED! For some reason it has become a bigger production then I would have liked. My mother-in-law has taken it upon herself to make it into a fiasco. Beginning with the color scheme and ending it with inviting people neither me nor Richie have ever heard of. I wanted mint green. She buys red and says its a nicer color. I wanted to invite 50 people. She sends out over a 100 invites and says we will recieve money. I hate veils. She makes one and says it looks nicer for pictures. I want to wear dress jeans and a button down blouse for city hall. She goes out and buys me a dress and expects me to feel so sorry that she spent money that I will wear it. ARGH! Yes... thank GOD for this move. AWAY from her! YAY!!! Okay... here's my promise... I promise NOT to be overbearing, pushy and hateful towards whomever my children decide to marry. Unless they are unfaithful or drug dealers and/or addicts. Then I gotta work my protective momma magic. Somehow, something that was supposed to be a way for me and Richie to celebrate with a few close friends and family became a production for what seems like half of NYC. It's a great mess! It's become entirely too expensive and too much to deal with. I got a 'wedding dress' which I feel is the ugliest thing I have ever seen. But it was either that or she was never going to shut up about me wearing a RED dress. NO! Red looks good on my hair and that's it! I don't even like the color red (unless of course it's my hair color then its hotness)! At least my Shoes are fya! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS. I'm not wearing a damn dress to city hall! She buggin!!!
I fear for the broken heart of my friend. She has had quite an awful few years. She has lost her brother to violence. Her father to terrorism. And now her mother to the most unnaturally natural causes.
Her heart is in more pain then I can fathom and it hurts me to see her this way. I can not reach out to her. She wants no sympathy. She wants to believe that she is stronger then her reality will allow her to be. But I fear that a dismal end to her sanity is coming soon.
Of course she will be expected to take the place of her mother now. She will cook and clean without complain. She will help with homework and pack lunch boxes. She will console them all but never take a minute to console herself. Yes this is the fate that awaits her. She will hate the fact that her mother is gone but for all the wrong reasons. Because they will make her something she is not. She will become her mother.
My dear friend... please be strong. Press on in the face of this tragedy. You can survive! You have friends that want more then willingly to help you carry your load. Please... do not forget to ask! We will be here!!!
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On wednesday, Nov. 1st 2006, a close friend of mine lost her mother. I remember her mother is such a warm light and I think I prefer it that way. We spoke of the things her mother would do and why she was so amazing to be around. It is very difficult to say how I feel about it. She had at one point in my life been my mother as well. She consuled me and consoled me. Made me laugh when facing tears. She was an amazing woman and I pray that GOD lets her spirit rest in enternal peace with HIM in HIS house.
Zaida Pacheco July 8th 1960 - Nov 1st 2006. Rest in Peace! You are missed and very Loved!
I LOVE HIM!
I know I do not. Well not romanticaly at any rate. As a human being perhaps. Though that is sometimes questionable as well.
Ask me HIS Name!
Those who knew me then know His name well and those who did not will never hear his name uttered. That is simply the respect I give to what was then and what is now.
I have not seen in him in years. Nor have I spoken to him in months. Yet it still pricks at a nerve and I do not understand why.
His proclimation of love and marriage. His undying faithfulness to his woman. It makes me cringe and my stomach turn and makes me hate him all over again. And yet I can not justify it. Which makes it even worst.
I have my own 'love-of-my-life'. My own angel sent to rescue me from the grips of what once was my reality. Yet this outward display of his affection for another sends a twinge of disgust through my spine like a vicious disease.
Jealous
Never! It is quite the double standard though. He no longer visits my pages do to hate of seeing me with another. Yet he post and post and post of his.
AHHHHHH
This has been driving me completeky insane.
WHY AM I SO ANGRY? WHY AM I SO HURT?
My logic is that it is due to the fact that he wronged me. He used my love as a bandage to cover a wound another woman (though to call her a woman is being entirely too nice) gave him then threw it away to search of the next tourniquet for his still bleeding heart. It was very unfair. And it cut me very deeply and I some how want him to pay. I want him to feel what he has made me feel. I want someone to hurt him so awefully that it causes him a lifetime and more of pain.
When it comes to him my entire lifetime lessons of forgiveness are thrown away. My grandparents would be very disappointed I know. It would cause them much grief to see me so angry and hurt and dispaired over something so trivial.
Yet Angry I Continue to be. Upset about being upset...
How many computers do you have in your house?
Submitted by Foomper.
What? What kinda question is this? You could do much better I'm sure. But if you MUST know... 3. My mother in laws, my sister in laws and Mine and Richies.
What food or drink do you love when it's cold out? (Recipes and recommendations, please!)
I know a lot of people are going to say this but good ole hot chocolate. MMMMMMMMMMM!!!
Made with Cortez Chocolate bar boiled with Carnation milk the way my grandmother used to make it. OHMIGARSH! So good! And instead of putting marshmellows into the hot chocolate we used to put a special kind of dominican cheese. DO NOT TURN UP YOUR NOSE! And do not knock it until you've tried it! It is really awesome-o's! As a matter of fact I think I'll go make some right now... anyone want some???
Do you listen to podcasts? Are there any you'd recommend?
Inspired by Alex.
PODCAST??? Blasphemy! For this just watch the news.
So the Yanks got knocked out in the first round!
That was about two weeks ago.
I BAAAAAAAAAAACK!
I'm here now to post about the complete randomness that fills my mind.
I've just spent an entire day trying to get both kids to sleep at the sametime so that I can follow suit and take a nap. And when they finally do I can't lay down because no one else is home just in case. It has been their wicked plot to destroy me all day. Well at least I have a minute to get some stuff out.
Recently I have been making moves to get myself back into school. At first I was completely over excited about it and now I am a little concerned. I am not sure that this is right for me right now. Me and Richie have been struggling to make ends meet these past two months that perhaps I would be of more help to him if I were to have a job. Which brings to my next troubles. I no longer have anyone who will watch my children. Richies mom is refusing saying that we are irresponsible. Though I can not see the logic it is what it is. She is being simply Bitchy. Which puts me in a rock and hard place situation. I want to go to school but can't because I have to work and I can't do either for lack of someone to watch my children during. It is very upsetting for me. I have find myself crying other the last few weeks because of it. And for someone to say that what Richie and Myself are trying to do for our kids is irresponisble is quite a shock.
Irresponsible
Never! I was very angry when I heard this but out of respect I said nothing. I do a lot of that these days. Holding my tongue so as not to offend others. Hold my tongue because the person means something to someone I love. I am actually very tired of doing this too. It is very VERY annoying. I usually just say what I am feeling or thinking but because of my children and Richie I have reverted to feeling like a child that knows it's mother is wrong and can not say so. What makes it worst is just that... they are often more then wrong. They are Irreversibly wrong! UGH!
My #1 peeve these days is the fact that they think they have the right to spank my daughter because they are grandma, grandpa, great granny, aunt ect. NO! That is a negative Homies! ARGH! I know a lot of people may disagree with me on this one but I feel that the only people in your life that should be able to lay afinger on you is your mother and father... PERIOD!!! My grandparents and aunts were never allowed to hit me. If my aunts even thought about it my grandmother was there to beat their asses. I guess it is just the life experince that I went through when I was younger. Maybe one day I will write about it.
Maybe
Another thing is that she is only 15.5 months old. How much can you really teach a one year old by spanking? What makes it worst is that I can't say anything. Because I know myself. I will make it a big production and everyone will hate me but I will have at least gotten it off my chest that they are never to lay a finger on my children... EVER!!!
Oh and this is what pisses me off even more...
I have been telling Richie since I was pregnant with Samara that he is to speak to his family and let them know that they are NOT to hit her. He has said nothing. As a matter of fact they have hit her in front of him and he agrees that it was due.
AHHHH!!! NO!!!
My fuse is becoming VERY short!
I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE!!!
Just me and my kids and Richie when he is half normal... argh!
