A few months back my husband got a job in Conneticut. A job paying a large amount more then our previous income. So we moved. Out of NYC. The only place I've ever known.
Its great. The kids adore it. They have their own bedrooms and a backyard they can play in. And my husband finally has a job he feels okay with. One with health benefits and life insurance. And we finally have our own place. Its great.
But I have never felt so far from home in my life. There so much going on and so much more being forgotten. It rather depressing. Its lonely.... no... I'm lonely and I can't stand it.
~*E*~
You left again. Somehow I took a back seat to your new friend. I keep telling myself that this cycle of hurt will end. But here I am hanging my head; crying... you left again.
You won't be home. I know this better then I know my own soul. You said you would before you walked away. But time has shown you'd do differently. You won't be home. Not today.
You left today. You walked in and out so many times the revolving door won't stop spinning. Feels like it effortless for u to just disappear in its swing and reappear again.
One day I'll stop the spin and have a new door put in. One that's stable and swings one way. In!
One day you'll show up and the locks will be changed. The enterance won't be the same. You'll have wished you had come home when you said you would.
One day.
But today, you won't come home. The revolving door will keep spinning. And I will keep waiting. Beaten, tattered and torn for the love that just left again.
By. E. Flores
~*E*~
Well when I was 10 someone stole my mother camera from me at my elementary school prom. Though I felt like crap about it I think the most valuable things someone stole from me was a ring that used to be my grandmothers, my grandfathers coin collection, my daughters earrings that were a gift from her greatgrandmother and money from my kids piggy bank. If I can ever prove who it was I swear there will be all types of hell to pay!
~*E*~
Eye of the Tiger or Final Countdown... CLASSIC!
~*E*~
I've become very good at picking myself up and trying again. But the one thing that I just can't do no matter how hard I tried was art. I'm artistic in other was ie. music and creative writting, but the actual drawing and painting thing still escapes me. I drew what I thought was a beautiful bird once. I was very proud of it. I put it on my fridge recently and my neices told me it looked like an old boot. It is now in my garbage. LOL
~*E*~
The alarm clock rings at 5.30 every morning. I put the pot of coffee on and wait. Slowly sipping. Slowly. Enjoying every taste. The aroma fills my lungs and I feel awaken. Rejuvenated. For that moment I am Erica once again. Not mommy! Not momma! Erica! The kids won't wake until 7.30 for breakfast. But those 2 short hours... those 2 almost nonexistant hours... fill me with so much joy and content. I am Erica! At least for 2 hours!
I love being a mother. And I adore my children. They have filled my life with so much joy and so much happiness that no amount of praise to them will ever be good enough. I love them with every breath in me. And I do everything for them. Every sacrifice I have made was for them and I will continue to do so until my end!
Yet I am missing something...
I am missing myself!
I used to know who I was. Strong and smart. My trials and tribulations had built me tough and I loved it. Now I look at myself and that woman that used to stare back at me is fading. Fading into a woman whose identity is that of a woman I do not like.
I love being home with my children. And they love being home with me. Knowing that their mother will be there whenever they need her to be is a comfort. My daughter tries to imitate me. She goes so far as to dress and feed her younger brother. My son cannot be without me. He looks to me for approval in his every action and many times ask me if he is right. But wasn't I someone else too?
Wasn't I a woman with a dream and on a mission to accomplish that dream?
Where has she gone? And will she ever return?
I adore my children and with ever smile and laugh they make life worthwhile.
But I also adore Erica. I love being mommy but I miss being Erica.
So I'll set the alarm for 5.30 every morning to become Erica again... if for a few hours.
At least until Erica and Mommy can meet.
~*E*~
For sometime I have denied needing an outlet for my emotions. My anger. My resentment. My worries. My fears. Keeping everything bottled up inside. It seemed like the right thing to do.
Recently (or not so recently as it has been about 5 months or so) I have moved to Conneticut. And I have never felt so all alone in my entire life. I feel disconnected from the world and friends I once knew. And to whom do I tell this to?
No One!
No one hears me or knows how I feel. No one!
My daughter (who is too smart for her own good) asked me why I was crying today. I told her mommy missed her friends and she looked at me and told me to go write about it (which is what I do to her when she becomes upset). So I decided who knows best for me then my 2 year old daughter.
I found my way back to my creative outlet and thank God for that!
~*E*~
