Leona Lewis is on repeat on the IPod. I am determined to feel for my 'man' the type of love she is feeling for hers. Its not working. I can not bleed love. But I am crying. I am Screaming Love! No more strength left to bleed it out. No more strength left to pick up the pieces and paint on a happy face. No more strength to carry on this facade. I am screaming! Maybe then I will have conviced myself that these four years of my life have not been in vein. So I scream!
I don't feel that love... haven't in a long time. And now there are children invovled. Is it right to stay with him for that one reason. Would they resent me if they knew? Would they hate me? Would they not love me for not loving him?
I'm Screaming Love! Its got to be here somewhere!
~*E*~
My life is back at this place again. The weird inbetween. Not free to run yet not tied down. Not really. I mean this of course in the relationship sense.
It is 2.30 AM and he never once glance up at me. Never once paused his game to ask me how I was feeling or even to ask if I wanted to play too. The one time I asked him to get something for me out of another room he grumbled under his breath.
I sat there for 3 and a half hours and never once... never once did he seem to even acknowledge my presence in the room.
It seems we visit this inbetween far far too often. Its a vicious cycle. He'll start ignoring me. I become furious. He'll have an attitude. That pisses me off even more. He'll blame me for doing something (or not doing something) that wasn't my fault. I break. We argue. We go to bed angry. For days. For weeks. He gets tired of the cold shoulder and his manhood begins to get lonely. I still haven't received an apology. I ignore him. He'll wait another day or two. Then HE'LL ask ME why I have been ignoring HIM! I become more enraged by this accusation. I tell him so. I tell him that a wife can do with but so many loveless moments before she wanders into a neighbors yard or just out right leaves. He cries. I feel bad (for something that was his fault to begin with). He apologizies (an empty one at that). Promises change. Change doesn't come. He'll begin to ignore me again.
I can't deal with this anymore! There must be change. And for more then a moment. I need change for a lifetime. Honestly... how many more cycles can one human heart endure?
~*E*~
I grew up in NYC. And, honestly, I think that was a plus and a ngeative. I am book smart and street smart and learned a lot about life that has made me stronger. But when I move to Conneticut, that might have been the best thing I could have ever done. Because I did it for my kids. Its a much better enviroment for them. I'm a city girl through and through and I'm still not used to living in the country but its so much better to raise a family and I'm glad I made this decision!
~*E*~
Time with my grandfather... hands down! He was the greatest man I have ever known and I don't feel I had enough time with him. I lost him at a point in my life when I needed him more then anyone else. Lossing him I lost a little of myself and made a lot of mistakes. It took my a long time to get my life back on track. But still... even just an hour with him would change my world forever!!!
~*E*~
Ok so it isn't popular now. But it was very popular in the early 90's. 'Word to ya mutha'!!! What the hell does that mean? If someone told me word to my 'mutha' I be confused as to if I should smack them or ask them which word exactly! It drove me nuts!!!
~*E*~
By: E Flores
Feels like we've danced this dance before. All too familiar.
This is the in... where is the out?
You love me. You don't know me. You need me. You don't want me. You can't live without me. You hate me.
This is the in. How long before the out?
I adore you. I honestly do. My love is rock steady. Something no one and nothing can move. But you change as often as the wind and as quickly as the river. You love me then forget me so easy.
This is the in. Here comes the out...
Then, when I'm forgotten, who is left to pick up the pieces to my dismembered heart? Who is left to comfort me? I quickly put myself back together used to the pain.
This is the out...
Please bring me the in...
I lie awake wondering where we could've went wrong yet again. When did the music stop? When did it change?
This is the out. So dark and so cold. And yet it spins and spins and spins
Waiting for the in.
I sit silently. Listening, watching, anticipating. For you to walk back through those spinning doors. For you to come home.
But you won't. Not today. The revolving door will spin.
This is the out...
I long for the in...
~*E*~
Sometimes it just feels like too much. The weight of the world pressing down on my back. The air is toxic and it becomes impossible to breath.
But then I look into those beautiful blue eyes and I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. God knew what He was doing when He sent you to me.
You are here to rescue me. To pull me out of the darkness into the light. To stop me from giving up even though there seems to be no hope left at all. And he knew how much you would need me. To catch you when you fall or heal your scraped knees.
To tell you how much I love you might take an eternity. Just know you are capable of anything and I am so glad God has blessed me.
Momma loves her little man. You... you mean the world to me.
~*E*~
I hardly ever buy any indulgences. I usually stick to whatever is absolutely nessecary. But the few times I do indulge I usually buy chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. YUM!
~*E*~
Yesterdays Love Poem By: EGF
Everything is different. The scents and sounds. The way you walk and talk and move. I remember when we were fresh. I meant everything to you.
You'd pull me back for one more kiss when I'd turn to leave. You'd hold me close and rest my head on your chest so I could hear your heart beat. You'd hold my hand just so I'd know that you're love was there.
But now...
Now everything has changed!
We don't talk for hours of things we've done and would do. We don't plan our future or play our silly love songs.
You don't look me in the eyes...
You hardly look at me at all.
It's sad...
I've become yesterdays love poem
There was a time our home was filled with laughter. The days when you'd walk in and my face would glow. It was then I knew my heart would always belong to you. But it's so sad...
I can't be yesterdays love poem.
It seems like you've been loving me with one foot outside our door.
What happened to the days when I was all you adored?
You hardly mention me in conversation as your lover and your wife. Now you call my name as the woman who used to be a part of your life. It's so very sad...
But I'm sick and tired of being yesterdays love poem.
So I'm leaving...
I don't know where I'll go or how I'll get there. But it's true the journey is more important then the destination; and our journey as come to an end. The destination was a place where I was worth more and you were unwilling to love.
But...
Don't be sad...
I'm in search of my new love poem!
~*E*~
Hmm... well lets see... 5 years ago I was 18. Working full time and going to school part time. So saturday night were either spent at shea stadium behind a concessions stand, at my friends house or at home studying. Now... saturday nights are spent at home watching movies with my kids and husband... geesh! I wasn't exciting then either! LOL
~*E*~
